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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29520279">Mistress of Choice</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/some_mad_lunge/pseuds/some_mad_lunge'>some_mad_lunge</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>When You Left Me Behind [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Bridgerton (TV), Bridgerton Series - Julia Quinn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Based more off the books, F/M, No Beta, Regency Romance, We Die Like Men, but all the soft love, slowish burn, there is no marina</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 16:48:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>21,317</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29520279</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/some_mad_lunge/pseuds/some_mad_lunge</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Penelope refuses to put her fate in the hands of others anymore. When her younger sister weds she leaves to create a life for herself away from the the man she cannot have and the place she never fit in.</p>
<p>Yet as she settles into her new world and learns to love herself her dearest friend disappears, which brings one Colin Bridgerton straight to Penelope’s door.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Colin Bridgerton/Penelope Featherington, Eloise Bridgerton &amp; Penelope Featherington</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>When You Left Me Behind [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2196522</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>267</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>984</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You are sure this is what you want? My love for you dear sister would never begrudge you...” Penelope fiddled with her braid as she sat cross legged on her younger sister’s bed. She did not wish her to make a rash decision to simply speed along Penelope’s plan.</p>
<p>Felicity hummed to stop her, smiling down at the small diamond shimmering in the candlelight.</p>
<p>“I admire him greatly, I have no doubt we will grow to love each other. Mostly I know I will be well looked after, and he does make me laugh. But most importantly he takes joy in making me happy.”</p>
<p>Penelope smiled, her sister the most beautiful and pragmatic of the Featherton girls. Well, not for much longer anyway. Soon Penelope would be the lone spinster with the name, a Miss among the Mrs.</p>
<p>“I am so happy for you.” Penelope meant it with everything within her. “I long to be an aunt.”</p>
<p>They giggled at the joke, their other two sisters had three children between them. How babies could be as insipid and useless as their parents at such a young age amazed them both. Penelope still sent gifts to them, small things to fascinate little minds but she would not watch them grow.</p>
<p>
  <em> Which is for the best. </em>
</p>
<p>“And you are certain of your plan?”</p>
<p>Penelope nodded her head vigorously, did nothing to hide the tears that pricked her eyes.</p>
<p>“We make new dreams when the others wither and die.” Penelope couldn’t help but whisper, always afraid that her mother’s indifference to her could suddenly change and she was secretly lurking in the shadows.</p>
<p>Felicity knew all of Penelope’s secrets, even the ones Eloise was not privy to. Her friend would never understand the choices she had, the one’s Penelope had always been without. </p>
<p>“You will always have a place in my home, and I expect to have an open welcome to yours.” Felicity threw back the covers of her bed, an invitation for Penelope to crawl in. It made her heart ache for the girl she used to be. </p>
<p>Once within the warmth they laid face to face.</p>
<p>“You will be happy won’t you Penelope?” If Felicity had not already been so special to her heart she would have become so in that instance.</p>
<p>“I shall try, that is all I can promise you.”</p>
<p>But if Penelope did not find sleep for most of the night no one could blame her.</p>
<p>It was a plan almost a year in the making, brought on by what Penelope always did...listen where she wasn’t supposed to.</p>
<p>It was after Philipa’s engagement and the last season before Felicity would be presented. Penelope had been Whistledown so long that she lost most of her fear of being discovered. Instead she hid behind columns and watched the couples in their rapture.</p>
<p>Women wearing clothes she dreamed of being allowed, deep greens and gold instead of garish orange and yellows. Women so beautiful that even in their limited role in society they had options, a luxury Penelope had never been able to afford. For they played their games and turned away attention, love a possibility but never a need. </p>
<p>She considered it unfair that she’d never had such a choice. Maybe if she hadn’t met Colin that day she would have tried even a little. Her heart was all she had and she’d lost it too easily.</p>
<p>She shook her head, best not to think of him and what country he might be in at the present. He was not her concern and she knew well enough she had never been his.</p>
<p>She sipped her lemonade and heard the high pitched preen of her mother’s voice. She was well into her cups, mirth overflowing at the conquest of one of her daughters.</p>
<p>“Well Philipa did ask me to move into her marriage home. Yet until Felicity has secured her future I can do no such thing.”</p>
<p>“I cannot imagine young Felicity will be on the market long, such a blossom that one.” Penelope wasn’t sure who it was, her mother’s friends all melded into one simpleton in her mind.</p>
<p>“Tis true, ‘tis true.” Portia Featherington did not need to be told of her youngest charms, but she reveled in it. “But then there is Penelope.”</p>
<p>There were a few hums of agreement and a soft muttering of, “There there.” Penelope felt her heart stop, cheeks reddening at overhearing them speak of her so.</p>
<p>“Alas my plight shall be to grow old in Penelope’s company. A mother cannot desert her child in the greatest hour of their need.” Portia Featherington held nothing back. “But I do so wish to be a doting grandmother.”</p>
<p>
  <em> More like you want to live in an estate in the country with many servants at your disposal. </em>
</p>
<p>Penelope made haste in her departure from the group, the sting of tears too real to ignore. She searched for Eloise amongst the throng of people, her closest friend the shoulder she needed. She was utterly surprised to see her dancing animatedly with an attractive partner. No doubt the man was falling for her charms, Eloise unaware of how becoming she was, regardless of three refused proposals.</p>
<p>Instead Penelope hid behind a large curtain and breathed deep to slow down her rapid heartbeat.</p>
<p>Was she so detested by her own mother?</p>
<p>It was not as if Penelope wasn’t aware where she ranked for Portia in her children, it was not a surprise. Yet hearing it said thusly, it bewildered her how much it hurt.</p>
<p>How she longed to knock the glass of champagne from her mother’s hand, to shout to the ton that she was the only reason her family had any funds at all. She had purchased their gowns, paid for the maids and ribbons. She had done it all but she was to them nothing but a burden. </p>
<p>
  <em> Including yourself. </em>
</p>
<p>And in that moment the realization hit her, she had made who she was a trial to herself. She held everyone in this room to her every word. Positions gained and lost by the ink she commanded, their money in her bank account.</p>
<p>Penelope Featherington may not have the options allowed to most but she had some, and could have more if she played her cards right.</p>
<p>So with the funds she’s earned from Whistledown and the investments she’d made, well she could lead whatever life she chose. With a companion she could travel, go across Europe and witness the secrets it held. She could go to the new world, leaving everything behind and become someone else entirely. She could pretend she was widowed, allowing her a freedom no single unmarried woman could imagine.</p>
<p>Yet when she searched her heart for what she truly wanted it was a home. Somewhere safe and warm and hers alone. She wanted to be able to plan her evenings, pick her clothing and make simple daily decisions without her mother’s disapproving scowl.</p>
<p>So she made a detailed plan and she plotted it carefully. Her solicitor found her a quaint home in Bath, it needed repairs but those were easily done. It had room enough for her and guests should she have any. When the time was right it would be revealed that it had been <em> bequeathed </em> to her by some distant family relative. It was not stately enough for her mother to take any interest, or so Penelope hoped. Especially if the inheritance gave her just enough money for a cook and maid. Her mother didn’t need to know how well off her daughter could actually live should she choose.</p>
<p>She would no longer be genteel, living alone without family or a protector was frowned upon. But in Bath society she would be no more eccentric than anyone else. The ton was not something she would miss, but especially not their judgement.</p>
<p>It would mean, however, that she would have to say goodbye to Whistledown for good. Penelope was amazed at the relief she felt at the fact. She was proud of what she’d accomplished, in reality it might be all that she did of note in her life, and yet no one would know.</p>
<p>In the end it would just be another part of Penelope Featherington that no one would see. The list was a long one.</p>
<p>What she’d not taken into account was her loving and devoted younger sister. In the month before her season was to start she had come to Penelope’s room late in the night for a chat. </p>
<p>“I cannot marry Pen, not when it will leave you alone with <em> her </em>.” Felicity had grabbed her hand, always acting as if her older sister was some sort of saint. “You have taken the brunt from her all your life, let her detest me instead.”</p>
<p>Penelope could not allow such a thing, she would not. They both longed for families of their own, to run a house and bear children that would know a mother’s love they had not received. For one of them it was a real possibility and Penelope wanted her sister to seize it.</p>
<p>Therefore she let her secrets out. Watched Felicity’s shocked face as she revealed all. When Penelope had finished her sister had hugged her fiercely.</p>
<p>“You are amazing.” </p>
<p>To hear that from one of the few people who Penelope believed meant it warmed her greatly. They’d laid together that night, making plans so outlandish that their mother’s maid had been awoken just to tell the daughters to quiet down.</p>
<p>But now as Penelope lay there months later, Felicity curled beside her, no doubt dreaming of the beautiful life she was about to lead...well the tears came.</p>
<p>She would be strong. Penelope would choose from her lot and blossom as best as a garden weed could. Tomorrow she would send a message to her solicitor to put the final phase of their plan in motion.</p>
<p>
  <em> And then your life begins. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The planning for Felicity’s wedding was in full swing. Thankfully Portia Featherington was letting her youngest have whatever she wished for her joyous day. </p>
<p>Penelope was pretending to read in the sitting room, watching the clock nervously. She knew her solicitor Mr. Banes would be arriving soon. She must act surprised at his arrival, but that was not new. She had faked much in the last few weeks. Her final Whistledown had been published just three days prior and the ton was in a tizzy. It had been serendipitous that it coincided with the death of Lady Clarence, a biting old widow who glowered at anyone who came near her. Even Lady Danbury had seemed genuinely afraid of the woman.</p>
<p>Now the rumour was Lady Clarence had been the mysterious author. That she somehow knew she would die suddenly of some ailment while picnicking in the park with her maid and her many small dogs. How easily the gossipers were led, content with the most ridiculous and yet pleasing answer.</p>
<p>Penelope chose to believe the way it was all coming together boded well. Maybe God was smiling upon her, letting her have this one little thing in her life.</p>
<p>
  <em> As if freedom is a small thing. </em>
</p>
<p>Her mother came rushing in the room, Mr Barnes hot on her heels. The solicitor secretly smiled at Penelope. He had always been so good to her and not just because she paid him well. As an old friend of her father’s without any daughters of his own he always encouraged her schemes, starting with Whistledown and everything that eventually came after.</p>
<p>Penelope’s mother clutched at her chest, sputtering as if she didn’t know what to say. Her face was red and she had something akin to glee in her eyes.</p>
<p>“Penelope, my darling daughter, there has been some most unexpected news.”</p>
<p>Penelope put down her book and gave the performance of her life.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>In the end it had been almost too easy, Mr Barnes had been correct that a small stipend to Mrs. Featherington along with Pen’s <em> inheritance </em>would stop any unwanted questions. It had done just the trick. Penelope’s mother accepted there being a great aunt on Mr. Featherington’s side who wished to gift a living to a fellow spinster relation. Especially when the gift was the answer to Portia’s unspoken prayers.</p>
<p>Within a week it was all planned, Penelope would leave the day after her sister’s wedding for Bath and Portia would happily settle with Philipa.</p>
<p>“Of course I will visit you Penelope, if I am not needed for the children.” Portia hadn’t even looked up from her list she was making for her own departure. “Did I mention I am to have my own suite of rooms?”</p>
<p>She had actually, many times over.</p>
<p>Now came the last and most painful thing Penelope would do. She walked swiftly to Number 5 for tea with Eloise and whichever Bridgertons may be in. She had been unsure how to broach the subject before everything was finite. Eloise wasn’t exactly persuasive in getting her own way, more like a fly that buzzed in your face until you gave in. Penelope knew she would need much resolve in the coming conversation.</p>
<p>It was why she’d never told Eloise she had the alter ego of Whistledown. Penelope didn’t trust herself to not be led wherever her dear friend took her. This was different and she would have to stand firm.</p>
<p>“Miss Featherington, delightful to see you this afternoon.” Benedict met her at the gate, offered his arm for her to take, which she happily did. </p>
<p>“Thank you, Mr. Bridgerton.” Penelope sniffled the air. “Such a lovely day. The flowers are very fragrant, giving off a hint of brandy and port if I dare be so bold.”</p>
<p>Benedict laughed out loud, his hair rumpled and wild on his head. He ducked close to her as they ascended the front steps.</p>
<p>“Nothing gets by you does it, Penelope?”</p>
<p>“I should hope not, sir, what a bore I would be if it did.”</p>
<p>They entered the house, the footman taking Penelope’s bonnet and gloves while giving Benedict a barely concealed eye roll.</p>
<p>“Is my mother at home?” Benedict straightened the collar of his wrinkled shirt. He shot Penelope a wink.</p>
<p>“No, sir.” The footman stepped back to let them through. “She is out with the Duchess Of Hastings.”</p>
<p>“Excellent!”</p>
<p>Penelope took Benedict’s arm again and allowed herself to be led to the family sitting room. Inside Anthony was leaned back comfortably in a chair, a paper in his hands. Eloise was frowning as she scribbled in a book on her lap. They appeared to be the only Bridgertons in attendance today, Penelope hoped that would make it all easier.</p>
<p>Eloise glanced up and smiled.</p>
<p>“So you found our wandering brother and have brought him home to us safely.” She patted the spot beside her on the settee. “Shame really, one more sibling to share my inheritance with.”</p>
<p>“You wound me sister. I may have been laying dead in an alleyway, overtaken by ruffians of the worst kind.” Benedict bowed slightly to Penelope as she released his arm. “If you’ll excuse me I shall go freshen up after my morning walk.”</p>
<p>Anthony flipped down the top of his paper to give his younger brother a perturbed look.</p>
<p>“Good idea, you look as if you haven’t slept all night.”</p>
<p>They all laughed and Penelope felt a wave of melancholy sweep through her heart. This was what she wanted more than anything, the ease of love and affection that came with a family. The Bridgertons had always welcomed her as one of their own but she knew she was an outsider. </p>
<p>When she’d been younger and much more naive she’d imagined being married to Colin, loving him, building a family so much like his own together. Now she was grateful for his absence, Wales this time if she remembered correctly.</p>
<p>
  <em> Of course you know exactly where he is. </em>
</p>
<p>It would be another thing she would be free from. No more memorizing where he was, worrying about his welfare or what beautiful women he was no doubt charming. No more fear of running into him and tripping over her words, no more wondering when Colin would finally notice her. No more sympathy dances where she let herself believe…</p>
<p>“Take no notice of my brothers, Penelope. Their wives and children are in the country and they do nothing but drink and gamble away their sadness at the club. Oh to have such freedoms.” Eloise sighed dramatically, no doubt to irk Anthony. “I would consider marriage more seriously if it allowed me the same liberties.”</p>
<p>Anthony opened his mouth and then shut it again, not daring to rise to his sister’s same old argument.</p>
<p>“If you’ll excuse me, I have something else somewhere I am sure I should be seeing to.”</p>
<p>Anthony made his escape and Eloise turned to her fully. </p>
<p>“A simple week without Kate and the children you would imagine he was a ship without a port. Shall I ring for tea?”</p>
<p>Eloise did just that while Penelope wondered what it must feel like to be so loved that your lack of presence would actually be that unsettling.</p>
<p>Tea arrived quickly, Eloise prattling on about this and that. Normally Penelope would give her friend her utmost attention but she was too busy replaying the words she would say over and over in her head.</p>
<p>“Pen, are you well? Is it your mother being herself again?”</p>
<p>Penelope wanted to laugh, and felt a little madness with it. If only iit were so simple.</p>
<p>“Actually I must share something with you, it is of great importance.” Penelope smoothed her dress over her knees to avoid looking Eloise in the eye. “I have received a generous inheritance from a distant relation, a small home in Bath and an allowance…”</p>
<p>“Penelope, that is marvellous! How nice to have a place to visit when one longs for the different view. Are you going to inspect it when the season is over?”</p>
<p>“I mean to move there, permanently.”</p>
<p>The room felt like the air had been sucked up the chimney. Penelope watched as her friend’s eyes got wide.</p>
<p>“You mean when you’re not in London?”</p>
<p>Penelope put down her cup and saucer, reached to grasp Eloise’s hands with her own.</p>
<p>“Once Felicity is wed there will no longer be a need for me to traipse through the marriage market. Mother is overjoyed to be rid of me and I…”</p>
<p>“She cannot force you away. I will not hear of it. I shall speak to Anthony, no doubt he will allow you to remain with us for however long you require…” Eloise squeezed her fingers tightly. “At least until the end of the summer...”</p>
<p>“Eloise, I will not be a burden to your family. I have been one to my own long enough. This way I can be my own champion…”</p>
<p>“I will come with you. You shouldn’t be alone. I’ll speak with my mother…”</p>
<p>“Eloise, stop!” Penelope was shocked by her own outburst. “You know they would never allow it. A visit in time of course, you are always welcome but I will no longer have any real protection. Society would frown upon…”</p>
<p>“Why must I care what they think?” Eloise rose to her feet in frustration. She turned to the doorway, Penelope surprised to see both Anthony and Benedict standing there. “Anthony please, you must do something. You cannot let her just leave.”</p>
<p>Benedict offered a sad smile but said nothing, Anthony looked straight at Penelope with inquiring eyes. She shook her head quickly. She knew the Viscount was a good and honourable man. He would do whatever was asked of him for his family, and though maybe in their hearts she was almost…</p>
<p>Eloise let out a frustrated whine at her brothers and their silence on the subject.</p>
<p>“When are you meant to go?” Eloise was waving her hands wildly now. It was all going worse than Penelope feared possible.</p>
<p>“I leave the day after Felicity’s ceremony.”</p>
<p>“But that is only...Pen that is in barely six days time.” </p>
<p>Eloise’s tears started to fall. Penelope stood on unsteady feet wanting to offer some sort of comfort. Instead Eloise buried her face in her hands and ran from the room.</p>
<p>Penelope put her hand to her mouth to stifle her own urge to cry. She had no desire to hurt the ones most dear to her but there was no way to make Eloise understand how different their situations were.</p>
<p>She watched the Bridgerton men exchanged looks, Anthony exiting the room while Benedict approached her slowly.</p>
<p>“She will be all right. You and I both know how much my sister abhors change of any kind.” Benedict offered a small smile. “You will be greatly missed by us all. Even by those who don’t realize it yet.”</p>
<p>There was a meaning in his words, Benedict Bridgerton always chose them wisely. Usually it was for some sort of joke or quip but this felt instinctively different. For the life of her Penelope didn’t know what he meant.</p>
<p>Benedict must have seen the confusion on her face for he simply sighed.</p>
<p>“I think it best I return home.” She needed to escape, to weep in her own room.</p>
<p>“Let me escort you..”</p>
<p>“No...please just tell your sister I….” Penelope didn’t know what to say. Instead she raced from the room and barely let the footman hand her things before she was out the door.</p>
<p>Much later, after she had cried on her own, after Eloise had shown up at her door and they had cried together. After promises made to visit and to write. After one of her last evenings when Violet insisted she attend a family supper in her honour, even still Penelope couldn’t get Benedict’s words out of her head. In the end she let it go, she was clearly looking too deeply into it.</p>
<p>She breathed in the joy of her last evening with the kindest of people. Even Daphne and Simon had attended. Penelope tried to focus on the constant conversations flowing around the table, tried to memorize the moment and how happy she would soon be. Truly, she would be happy.</p>
<p>It broke another piece of her heart but it needed to be done. She was grateful once again he was not here and forced herself to smile. Then she glanced briefly at the empty chair at the Bridgerton table and said a silent goodbye to the space only Colin could fill. </p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you all so much for the overwhelming response. This fandom is very kind.</p>
<p>Just a reminder that this fic is an AU. Things will be changed to fit the story I am trying to tell. I will always do my best to stay true to the characters themselves of course. That said please don’t message me stating “you got this wrong, that’s not how it is in the books.” I know, and I changed it for a reason.</p>
<p>Just wanted to put that out there. Wishing you all a wonderful day and I hope you’re staying safe.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>Six Weeks Later</b>
</p>
<p>Penelope had learned much about herself in the brief time she had settled herself firmly in her new life.</p>
<p>There had been trepidation at first. When the carriage stopped at her home in Bath she was at a loss for words. The drawings she had seen did nothing to convey the beauty before her. It was in the city center, at the end of a row of attached homes. She had a small front garden where flowers bloomed in colourful bursts. She marveled as she walked up the steps, the door opening to the staff that Mr. Barnes had employed on her behalf.</p>
<p>She had never been mistress of her own home before and almost faltered when they bowed and curtsied to her. All she could think about was how her own mother had treated their servants. In that instant Penelope decided to be the exact opposite in every way.</p>
<p>She smiled warmly at them, watched as the stiffness in their shoulders relaxed. There was Mary, who was to be her lady maid and her sister Dotty, who would help around the house. They were both young and eager to please. Edmund was her butler, older than he looked with a flamboyant air about him. He also had an uncanny ability to arrive in whatever room Penelope was in exactly when she needed him. </p>
<p>Mrs. Bowman was the cook and the only help that did not live in servants quarters. She was a stout woman with many children, laugh lines that graced a kind face. </p>
<p>Penelope had asked her the ages of her babies as she toured the kitchen and servant quarters.</p>
<p>“Still young Miss. My sister watches my two littlest while I work, my sons are old enough to start helping his father with his graft.” The kitchen was like the rest of the house, warm and bright. </p>
<p>“Please know should you ever require they are welcome to come here while you work. A true home should never be without the sound of children for too long.”</p>
<p>Mrs. Bowman had just stared at her in amazement before nodding her head shyly. Only twice since then had Penelope heard the patter of little feet in the garden off the kitchen. She had made sure to go down and offer the little cherubs a sweet each. </p>
<p>She wanted her home to be a happy one for any and all that stayed there. She was lucky to have endeared the staff to her, and truthfully they were precious to her as well. They never made her feel odd being a single unmarried woman on her own. She didn’t want them hiding in the corners when she passed, staying out of sight. She always offered them a smile or took a moment to enquire about their day. </p>
<p>The house was a dream and more space than she required. Two sitting rooms, a spacious dining room, plus a study and music room on the main floor. Above was her suite of rooms, and three additional guest rooms. She had two of them closed up but made sure one was ready for visitors at any time. Maybe it was wishful thinking but for now it added to the welcoming feeling she wanted her home to embrace.</p>
<p>With that aspect of her life settled Penelope then took a trip early one morning to the modiste, a Mrs. Clarke that all the well bred ladies went to. She ordered an entire new wardrobe, everything from underthings to dresses for home and church. Even a few she could wear to the local dances that were held on occasion. Then there were bonnets and ribbons, new slippers and boots. She picked fabric for the first time in her life, cooed over silks and satin.</p>
<p>She took all the advice the seamstress offered about styles to flatter her figure, colours that made her skin look like fresh cream and made her red hair come alive. For the first time Penelope looked at herself in the mirror and liked what she saw. She would never be a great beauty but would say she could pass for almost pretty.</p>
<p>“Now look at you.” Mrs. Clarke lowered the bodice of the dress, somehow accentuating Penelope’s bosom and yet it still somehow looked demure at the same time. “You come to me always and I shall never let you wear that lemon atrocity ever again.”</p>
<p>For an even greater luxury she had a decadent robe made of a rich navy velvet. It was warm and soft, made her feel like a queen when she stayed up late writing to Eloise or her sister.</p>
<p>She even let Mary cut her hair, removing some of the length. She no longer set tight curls against her cheeks. Instead it was pulled prettily away from her face, occasionally her natural loose curls falling around her neck. Some days she even wore it down with clips holding it in waves across her shoulder.</p>
<p>She went for walks every morning. She made a point of taking Dotty some times and Mary others so they’d both get the chance for a break from their regular duties. She visited every merchant, buying things here and there to spread her custom. She found a darling bookstore where she set up an account straight away.</p>
<p>The local church was old and outdated but the preacher was young and spirited. He had come for tea twice with his wife and Penelope enjoyed their company very much. Again there appeared to be no judgement for her spinster status, especially after she volunteered to help in any way she could with the parish’s good works.</p>
<p>Her greatest friends however had been found by pure luck, a Mr. and Mrs. John and Edith Fontaine who lived right next door with Mr. Fontain’s widowed sister, a Mrs. Katherine Crowper. They had presented themselves the day after her arrival and she adored them greatly.</p>
<p>They were her mother’s age but had a wit and sparkle about them that pulled Penelope in. They had tea and dinners together, insisting that they be called by their Christian names.</p>
<p>“Mr. Fontaine was my father, sweet girl, may he rest in peace.” </p>
<p>John and Edith never stood on principles, preferring to engage openly about everything from politics to the arts. Katherine had a robust laugh that was infectious. Penelope had accompanied them to the pump rooms, allowing herself to be introduced to society on Edith’s arm. </p>
<p>People seemed to want to get to know her, whether idle chit chat or some gossip or another. She never hid behind pillars but was pulled to refreshment tables with the other ladies, ready smiles waiting for her. Now she was greeted when she walked down the street, no pitying glances or downright snubs.</p>
<p>The only downside was her heartache over missing a dear sister and her true friend. They both wrote constantly, Felicity settling well into married life and enjoying the status of wife. But it was Eloise’s letters that she read constantly, both for mention of Colin but also over concern of her friend’s tone. She appeared...lost. Some nights Penelope would go through the stack of them, rereading the lines that gave her longing, worry and peace in equal measure.</p>
<p>
  <em> Colin arrived just two days after you left Pen, everyone welcoming him home as if he’d been to war. I was pleased to see him until he discovered your absence. He dared to imply that I did not press upon you enough to stay within our protection. Anthony and Benedict pulled him away after that, which followed what sounded like an argument. Alas mother kept a keen eye on me so I could not press my ear to the door. Later Colin gave me a tight apology before heading to his rooms for the evening. I made him wait a day before I forgave him. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> We all miss you Pen, but I am glad to hear your home has become the respite you deserve. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Colin has insisted on staying for the rest of the season, which makes no sense since he still refuses to court anyone. He asked after you when he saw me reading your newest letter. I told him you were well and content, which did not appear to be the answer he wanted. Why must men believe we are nothing without them to lead us? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Was it easy to follow your heart, Pen? I daydream about it sometimes, weigh my desires versus the disappointment of my family. Maybe you and I must seek to find our freedom in the best situations presented to us. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Colin has been nothing but melancholy one moment and then perturbed the next. I have told him he should head off to Calcutta as his temperament is not doing me any favours. He just muttered under his breath and left the room. Benedict laughs but it is a joke I do not understand. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> The season will be over in a few week’s time and I cannot say how exhausted I am with it all.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Will you come to visit over Christmas? Mother asked me to invite you and I do so hope you will stay for a few weeks. </em>
</p>
<p>The last one received just the day before was giving Penelope the most concern for her friend’s disposition. She hadn’t responded yet as she wasn’t sure what she should write.</p>
<p>
  <em> There is much I have not shared with you my darling Penelope. I hope you’ll forgive me. I am so loud and boisterous but I fear I never say what is the most important. Your courage has inspired me more than I could express. We will remain friends no matter what, promise me that. It is time for me to chase my joy like you have found yours. </em>
</p>
<p>Penelope had sat by candlelight most of the night, the warmth of her robe doing nothing to keep away the chill of unease. It wasn’t until Edmund inquired if she needed anything else that she realized how late it had gotten.</p>
<p>She rose the next morning deciding to write to Eloise that she would come for the holiday season at the Bridgerton country estate. Colin would no doubt be in attendance but so would the rest of the family so there would be little need for her to interact with him. Slowly disengaging her heart, even over distance and time proved to be a task she had yet to master</p>
<p>Yet it was clear her friend needed her and Penelope would risk what progress she had made to go to her. Had she so misjudged how greatly Eloise depended upon her support?</p>
<p>After she was dressed for the day in her hunter green dress that made her feel like a nymph among moss and her hair gathered loosely at the back of her neck she headed to the dining room for breakfast. Her neighbours were coming for lunch so she had plenty of time to write and post her letter to Eloise.</p>
<p>She smiled at Dotty who was dusting in the entrance when a loud banging on the door startled them both. </p>
<p>Edmund was suddenly there, his eyes on her while the pounding continued.</p>
<p>“Miss, are you expecting anyone this morning?”</p>
<p>She shook her head no. She should have retreated to her sitting room to wait for whatever visitor so urgently wanted her attention but curiosity got the better of her. Edmund had barely opened the door when a hand shoved the butler inside as man in wrinkled clothes with wild hair burst through.</p>
<p>Edmund braced his arm against him to prevent him getting any further. “Sir, this is most…”</p>
<p>“I need to speak to Miss Featherington at once.”</p>
<p>Penelope gasped as she realized…</p>
<p>“Colin, whatever are you doing here? What has happened?”</p>
<p>She meant to go to him but froze when his eyes landed on her. For a second he stiffened, his gaze slowly sweeping her from head to slippers and back again. Edmund cleared his throat and removed his hold, it seemed to break the spell over the intruder.</p>
<p>“Pen, is she here?” Colin strode toward her, grasping her hands in his gloved ones. His cheeks were pink and he smelled of horse and sweat. He was still as gorgeous as she remembered. “Please, please tell me she came to you.”</p>
<p>“Who came to me? There is no one here but myself and my staff...I don’t understand.” Penelope squeezed his fingers with hers, looked in Colin’s tear filled eyes. He looked so lost and she wanted nothing more than to sooth whatever pained him.</p>
<p>“Eloise is missing.”</p>
<p>
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</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you as always for the beautiful comments!</p>
<p>Please know that the next few chapters may take a few days. I had the week off work so I was able to write to my heart’s content. Alas the real world calls me again.</p>
<p>Be well and safe!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Missing? Dear God, no…” Penelope felt fear trickle down her spine, Eloise’s words of chasing her joy coming back to her. Surely her friend would not be so stupid, surely…”Oh Eloise, what have you done?”</p><p>“Do you know where she could be? We went through her correspondence, you and one other were our only leads. I had hoped it would be you.” Colin swayed a bit on his feet. “Did she say anything to you in her letters or before your departure?”</p><p>Penelope shook her head, “No, she implied her current unhappiness but shared nothing of any plans. I would have done everything in my power to dissuade her from taking such an action.” </p><p>Colin released her and ran his hands through his windswept hair.</p><p>“I have a man with me, I must send word to my brothers straight away.” He looked around, for the first time he seemed to realize they weren’t alone.</p><p>“This is Mr. Colin Bridgerton, a long time acquaintance and older brother to my beloved friend Eloise.” Dotty and Edmund bowed and curtsied, both of them aware of Eloise as she’d spoken of her often. “Edmund, please take Mr. Bridgerton to my study so he can draft his letter.”</p><p>Both men walked hurriedly down the hall. Penelope quickly shut the front door that had been left open in the dramatics and set to doing what she could.</p><p>“Dotty, have Mrs. Bowman prepare a tray of food for our guest and make it a generous helping. Then have the blue room made ready for Mr. Bridgerton and start a bath straight away. Can you have Mary inform the Fontaines I must cancel our lunch with my sincerest apologies?”</p><p>Dotty nodded, “Of course, Miss.”</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>Penelope went straight to the study where Colin was handing Edmund a sealed letter.</p><p>“My man waits outfront to get this to London.” Colin’s shoulders started to sag. “I will find some lodgings….”</p><p>“You will do no such thing.” She ignored Colin’s wide eyed stare. “Please have Mr. Bridgerton’s things taken to the blue room and ensure his horse is stabled down the road on my account.”</p><p>“Of course, Miss. Right away.” </p><p>Edmund disappeared as Dotty arrived pushing a cart loaded with covered dishes, as well as tea and coffee.</p><p>“I’ll serve our guest, Dotty. The bath?” Penelope put her hand up as Colin opened his mouth to interject.</p><p>“The water is on Miss.”</p><p>“Thank you, you may leave us.” She offered a smile as Dotty quietly shut the door behind her.</p><p>“Penelope, I cannot stay.” Yet Colin did not move from his spot in the chair. She could feel the exhaustion rolling off of him, he looked utterly spent. “It is not done.”</p><p>She just shook her head as she uncovered eggs, ham, some warmed buns and arranged them on a plate. She handed it to Colin who eyed it hungrily.</p><p>“You will find Bath society is much more lax in their demands. You are an old family friend, that will be enough explanation.” Penelope poured him a coffee, preparing it just how she knew he liked it. “You look ready to collapse, I won’t hear of you going anywhere until you’ve at least eaten and rested.”</p><p>She sat across from him, poured herself tea with slightly shaking hands. She did not want to press him for information and at the same time she needed to know. As Colin ate he relaxed more and more, while she simply waited. He pushed his plate away but still eyed the cart. She rose to serve him more, she knew his appetite well.</p><p>“You must have so many questions.” Colin took the offered plate as Penelope noticed the dark circles under his eyes. “I wish I had more answers.”</p><p>“Are you certain she left of her own accord?” It filled her with dread that someone may have taken Eloise against her will. The Bridgerton’s had funds, not to mention her brother-in-law the Duke Of Hastings and all his estate afforded. </p><p>Colin nodded.</p><p>“We are almost certain. I…” He leaned forward on his knees. “...I know I can trust you with this information but….”</p><p>“Colin, please. I would never say or do anything that would ever jeopardize your family, let alone Eloise.” Although Penelope knew and understood why he was being protective she could not help but feel wounded at Colin’s hesitation.</p><p>“I know...I am sorry Pen, of course you wouldn’t. Forgive me. I am not myself…” He drank his coffee, held it in his hands like it was keeping him afloat.</p><p>“I beg of you to tell me what you know, how I can help.” Penelope twisted a strand of hair that brushed against her neck, she repressed her urge to pace around the room.</p><p>Colin watched her with fierce eyes before nodding and putting his cup down.</p><p>“It was three days ago after the Fentworth ball. The last of the season. Neither myself or Eloise really wished to attend. Early in the night she complained of a headache so I was more than happy to see her home. I spent the right in my room reading and drinking brandy. It wasn’t until the next morning that mother realized she was gone.”</p><p>Penelope reached forward to place her hand on his arm, he covered it with his own and let out a shuddering breath.</p><p>“Her maid insisted she’d helped her prepare for bed but it had not been slept in. There was no note, nothing that could tell us where she went. We had no choice but to invade her privacy. Other than you there were many missives from a Sir Phillip Crane. Is that name known to you?”</p><p>Penelope shook her head no, her heart squeezing tight in her chest. </p><p>“He is a widower, once wed to a distant cousin of ours. The letters spoke of a possible courtship but they were not of an untoward nature. It was decided Anthony and Benedict would make haste for his estate, I was dispatched here and Gregory to act as midway and handle things at home. I rode non stop to get here...I had truly hoped…”</p><p>“Is it known to society she has gone?”</p><p>“No, thank God. The death of Whistledown has its small victories.”</p><p>Penelope took her hand away from him, busied herself pouring him more coffee. Yet she could not bring herself to look at Colin. Even if she, and therefore Whistledown, had been in town she would have never destroyed Eloise like that, nor any other woman.</p><p>“Now there is nothing left to do but wait for word. There is still a chance she could come to you, especially if other avenues do not go as planned.” Colin took his refreshed cup but seemed unable to do more than stare at it.</p><p>“You need to bathe and you require rest.” Colin just blinked at her, as if it was the last thing she should be considering. “If not for yourself then me. Please. I promise to wake you if any news comes.”</p><p>“Well for you…” He offered up a smile, not as bright as she had seen in the past but just as charming. “Penelope, I must admit how changed you look…”</p><p>He was interrupted by a brisk knock on the door as it opened to Edmund standing there. The butler’s eyes flickered towards her guest with thinly veiled disdain.</p><p>“The gentleman’s room is ready, Miss.”</p><p>It took Penelope a moment to remember this was her home, that she was not back at Number 5 absorbing every morsel of attention Colin Bridgerton sent her way. Given the circumstances she forgave herself for her stupidity.</p><p>“Thank you, Edmund.” Penelope stood, her back straight and her face absolute. “Please show Mr. Bridgerton the way.”</p><p>Colin rose as well, she had no choice but to look up to meet his eyes. Had she really forgotten how tall he was?</p><p>“I cannot thank you enough, Pen.” His voice was soft and she held back her desire to run her fingers over the shadow of a beard that darkened his cheeks and chin.</p><p>“Think nothing of it, I am grateful to be able to repay some of the Bridgerton kindness I have been shown over the years.”</p><p>Something about her words made him frown, but he offered an informal bow of his head and left the room. She waited until both men were gone before collapsing back in her chair.</p><p>
  <em> Eloise…. </em>
</p><p>Penelope did her best to keep herself quiet but busy for the rest of the day. She received a note from the Fontaines with their kind understanding and querying if she would be accompanying them to church the next day. She felt it best to respond and agree. Even with Colin here she must keep the normal goings on she’d established since arriving in Bath. It was best to be careful even with the freedom she felt protected her.</p><p>Once her note to them was completed she sat with her quill, deciding to write to Violet Bridgerton. The woman was a mother, and her heart was no doubt breaking. Penelope poured out onto the paper, her insistence that all would be well, that she would ensure Colin looked after himself until news was heard. Hopefully Violet wouldn’t even receive it before everything was settled and put back to rights. </p><p>Yet just in case it made Penelope feel like she had done something of worth.</p><p>She barely ate, even when Mrs. Bowman took a rare venture from the kitchen to place an arrangement of Penelope’s favourite biscuits under her nose. The cook refused to leave until her employer took a bite. Penelope wondered for a moment if she’d let her staff get too familiar. </p><p>
  <em> But when has anyone ever taken care of you before? </em>
</p><p>She gazed out her sitting room window, willed a horse to pull up to her gate. A messenger with a letter explaining it was all just a misunderstanding, that Eloise was safe and found.</p><p>Colin, meanwhile, didn’t leave his room. Penelope dearly hoped he was sleeping, building strength to withstand whatever was to come.</p><p>She had a light dinner, a tray left outside her guest’s door in case he awoke and was hungry. It was Colin, of course he would be hungry.</p><p>As she prepared for bed Penelope tried to suppress her anxieties. Her fear for her friend. Her worry for the family she so adored. Her nerves at the man she’d always loved being just down the hall. Just Colin being near was undoing her, her heart felt like a gaping wound. She was too muddled up, overthinking how he’d looked at her, something in his gaze she’d never felt before. </p><p>
  <em> Oh Penelope, even in this your romantic heart will not die. </em>
</p><p>She didn’t even bother attempting sleep, instead wrapping herself in her velvet robe and padding with bare feet down to her study. Candles were still lit to lead her way. An extravagance Penelope insisted upon. She had been a little fearful of the dark as a child, now as a woman living alone it held more power.</p><p>She curled up in her favourite chair, her feet tucked in close and a book in her lap. She didn’t read though, just listened to the settling creaks of her home and stared into the flame of the candle on the table beside her.</p><p>She was pulled from her fog by the sound of rushing footsteps, Penelope to her feet when the door swung open. Colin’s eyes were blazing as he gazed around the room. His shirt was hanging loose from his breeches, his calf muscles and naked feet shooting a thrill through her.</p><p>“What is wrong?” Penelope walked slowly towards him. “There has been no news, I would have woken you as promised. Did you have a nightmare?”</p><p>His eyes finally landed on her but the fierceness of his face made her stomach turn into knots. She must look a fright, her hair a wild mess down around her shoulders, her robe hanging off one shoulder to reveal her nightgown underneath. She adjusted it quickly, pulled the velvet close around her body.</p><p>Colin stepped into the room, closing the door behind him softly. </p><p>“I apologize...I thought…” His voice was hoarse and for a moment Penelope worried he was about to fall over. “God...I thought…”</p><p>Something was wrong, something filled the room that she did not know or recognize. But it felt alive, electric and it frightened her. She retreated back to her chair, but did not sit. Instead she looked everywhere but at the piercing eyes that she felt through every part of her being.</p><p>“Are you hungry?”</p><p>He shook his head, still standing across from her and saying nothing.</p><p>“Colin...talk to me.” She resisted the lifelong urge she’d always felt to go to him, hold him close. “I cannot imagine how you must be feeling. You shouldn’t blame yourself….”</p><p>He laughed, his hands on his hips and his head bent forward. It was cold and bitter, and entirely different than the man Penelope knew him to be.</p><p>“Oh Miss Featherington...” He chuckled again, raising his head. This time his eyes were stone, blank and empty. “The only one I blame is you.”</p><p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yeah...the next chapter is going to be one heck of a ride. I suggest holding onto your hats ladies and gentlemen.</p><p>And as always thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment. You’re all gorgeous humans.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter Five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Penelope put her fingers to her lips as she was struck by the ice in Colin’s gaze. Surely she must not have heard him correctly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You cannot possibly…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can I not?” Colin prowled closer to her but stopped behind a chair, dug his fingers tight into the wood filigree. “I come back from abroad and you are gone, my sister and family devastated. Then I arrive here to see you greatly changed, suddenly a woman of means and style, flaunting yourself with a wealth that has no explanation.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I…” Penelope couldn’t understand how he could be so angry with her for simply doing her best with her life. “It was an inheritance from a great aunt.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Colin gave her a smirk.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah yes, the mysterious inheritance. So of course like all well bred women you chose to leave your family and your means of protection to live out your days alone.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Penelope felt something snap inside her. What right did he have to come here and question her decisions or her right to choose? She had an overwhelming urge to throw something at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How dare you, Colin Bridgerton.” She curled her hands into fists at her side. “Are you no better? You who traipse across the country, nay the world, without a care. You think your sister envies me? Hardly. It has always been your life she desired.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But I am a man, and afforded….”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t you dare tell me what you are afforded over me, over your sister. I am beyond aware.” She started to pace in front of the unlit fireplace. “You know nothing of the options for women. Those of us who aren’t snapped up quickly by a man in want of a wife. Those of us who do not have a father or brother to care for them or even a family of any sort that actually wants them. You know nothing of being a burden.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So this was your only option? You forget I read your letters to Eloise. Your great life with your new friends, your own home and freedoms. Yet you say nothing of the cost to yourself, to your reputation.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Colin moved around, stalking towards her. She refused to be intimidated and stopped him with the raise of her hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My reputation? That of a pathetic frumpy daughter born to an insipid mother and placed on the shelf before she even had a season? No, I will not apologize for leaving that behind.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Penelope turned her back to him, closed her eyes against the sting of tears she could not stop.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That is not true…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She whirled around to face him again, no longer afraid at how close he was. Her heart racing she wiped at her face. She was not ashamed of her tears. She was not ashamed of herself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am not sorry if my choices led Eloise to make hers. Yes, maybe this is the life she wanted but don’t imagine for one moment it was what I dreamed for myself.” She walked towards him, spread her arms wide as her robe loosened around her. “I wanted love, Colin. I wanted children and a family of my own. That was all I desired and it was not a luxury available to me. So yes, this 28 year old spinster will live her life having never been kissed, that is my cross to bear. But I will not allow you or anyone else to make me regret the happiness I have sought...”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Penelope didn’t finish, unable to at the shock of Colin sweeping her in his arms and pressing his lips to hers. Her mind went blank, unbelieving that this could be happening, lost to the sensation of his hands framing her face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was a stark contrast to the argument they’d been having. Instead the kiss was sweet, tender. Penelope didn’t know what to do but Colin led her, nipped at the corner of her mouth and made her sigh. She leaned into him, her hands clinging to the front of his shirt lest she drown. She kissed him back, emboldened when a slide of her mouth made him moan.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His hands moved from her face down to her hips and under her robe. The thin cotton of her nightgown did nothing to stop the heat of him branding her. She pressed herself closer, slid her hands into his hair like she had longed to for almost half her life. Without thinking she licked along the seam of his lips, her desire to taste him overpowering everything else.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It changed in an instant, Colin’s hands stroking and touching her everywhere. His mouth opened over hers and then it was as if the universe exploded and she fell into the sun. She felt cool air as her robe fell away, though she did not understand how. A hand slid over to her rear and another curled around her thigh as she was lifted in the air. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Colin’s laid her down on the settee, leaving her chilled for barely a moment before the glorious heat and warmth of him against her returned. His lips left hers to trail down her neck, he muttered words against her skin she could not understand. When his hand cupped her breast she strained against him, her hips moving of their own accord to press against his. She felt something hard at her core and the friction was unimaginable, both pleasure and pain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>No wonder so many have been led to ruin by the act of love. If this was what it felt like all would run towards….</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was as if she’d stepped into a freezing rainstorm. Her body went stiff and Colin noticed instantly. He pulled away, his fingers caressed her cheek. Penelope searched his eyes as he looked at her with concern.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>For her or for himself?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Colin hurrying into the study, looking around wildly as if someone else should be there. Colin being angry at her for ruining Eloise by association. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Penelope shoved Colin off her, which was easier that she expected as he gave no resistance. She grabbed for her robe on the floor and was amazed her legs still worked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Pen…”</span>
</p>
<p>Holding the once soothing velvet to her chest like armour she whispered her horrible realization out loud.</p>
<p>
  <span>“You think I’m a kept woman.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She stood before him, the moisture of his kiss fading from her skin and hoped she was wrong. Colin averted his eyes and audibly swallowed. She knew him too well, knew she had expressed his thoughts exactly. Unfortunately he had just proved he didn’t know her at all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I will admit that is what I thought before…” He cleared his throat. “...before you shared you’d never been kissed.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Penelope started to shake visibly. Colin stood and reached for her but she recoiled from him. She watched him wince at her reaction. She wanted to crawl into her bed and never wake again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So you kissed me out of pity?” Penelope thought there could be no greater pain than such a thing from the man you adored.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing about that was pity. That was a man wanting a woman.” Colin stalked to the fireplace, braced his hands on the mantle. “That was me wanting you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Penelope laughed, it was hollow and it hurt, heavens she didn’t know pain like this was possible. She thought she’d lost her heart long ago and yet here it was shattering in her chest, tearing her apart.</span>
</p>
<p>“Of course it was.” Penelope slipped her robe back on, felt stronger for it. “Colin Bridgerton never did want anything unless someone else wanted it first.”</p>
<p>
  <span>She felt vindicated when he turned his head sharply to look at her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You forget how long I’ve known you Mr. Bridgerton. You’ve never so much looked in my direction unless it was to glance past me.” Penelope watched his eyes narrow and she knew she hit the mark. “I’m surprised you touched me once you discovered the truth.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Penelope…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Miss Featherington to you sir.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She watched him turn fully to her, his anger did nothing to weaken her resolve. He would have no more power over her, not for one second longer. She would pull him from her heart and soul even if it killed her. Maybe it already had.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Will you not let me explain?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was still so handsome, even with his wild eyes, rumbled clothes and swollen lips. She wondered if she looked just as debatched. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Wasn’t that what he wanted from you when he thought he could take it?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Penelope wrapped her arms tight around her herself in an effort to keep from falling apart.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How could you ever explain thinking so lowly of me…” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because when I came back you were gone! Dammit Penelope, hate me if you must but it was my concern, my genuine affection for you that made me look into your windfall.” Colin ran his hands through his hair. “I wanted to ensure you were properly cared for. When I discovered there was no such inheritance…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You immediately thought the worst?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Years she had adored him, thought him a hero of men. She had loved him for his kindness and gentleness. She had revered his charming nature, how freely he laughed. She knew he would never return her feelings, knew she would never be his but had it been too much to think he at the very least respected her?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I told myself it was impossible but then I arrived and saw…” Colin reached for her again but thought better off it and let his hands fall limply at his sides. “You glow, Penelope. In all the years you have never glowed like you do now. And yes, I wrongly assumed it was a man who made you this way. But I hated him, loathed him with every part of myself. This imaginary man who did not treat you as you should be. A man that should desire you on his arm for all to see, not hide you away. This fictional man that did not deserve you…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I decide who deserves me and my love, Colin. Not you. Not anyone.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He said nothing, just looked at her with regret and apology, and something else she dare not name. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If you must hate someone, if you must hate whoever gave me the ability to live this life then hate no one but Lady Whistledown.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Penelope took perverse joy as she watched confusion cross his face. Then came realization mixed with relief and she was almost certain she hated him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You were Whistledown.” His whispered voice could almost be mistaken for reverence if she hadn’t just been shown his true colours.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, I was. I am. Not the wallflower everyone believed me to be. That you believed me to be.” Penelope shook her head. “So you may rest easy. I didn’t earn my living by selling anything other than my words.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She turned from him towards the door needing to escape this awful room, this awful day that would kill her everytime she relived it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Pen...please.” She felt his hand grasp her arm but she pulled it from his hold. Still she could not look at him, she would not let him see her destroyed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This conversation did not take place. What transpired here…” Penelope choked back a sob desperate to break free. “...did not happen. I will help Eloise and your family in any way that I can. But once this is all over and she is safe I never want to see or speak to you again.”</span>
</p>
<p>She opened the door and raced up the stairs, thankful that all the candles had burned down to nothing and the darkness could hide her shame. She did not stop until she was safe within her room for only then did she let herself crumble apart.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Well I don’t know if that was what you were expecting but your comments on the last chapter filled me with glee. I couldn’t leave you all waiting too long.</p>
<p>You, as always, have my gratitude for making me smile and laughter with every kudo and comment.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter Six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Penelope had cried herself to sleep before, more than once over Colin in fact, so when she woke it took her time to remind herself she was no longer a girl. No, she was a woman who remembered his hands on her, how sweetly he had kissed her. As if it meant something to him. As if she meant something.</p><p>Could he really have thought that of her? But even if he had that wasn’t what hurt. If she had made the decision to live her life that way, or if any woman did, what right did he have to judge?</p><p>How many young girls and women alike were led astray by heated kisses and loving words in the night and tossed away when the day dawned? She understood them now, knew the temptation that men were allowed to chase.</p><p>If Eloise ever knew…</p><p>She deflated even further at the thought of her friend. How had so much changed in Penelope’s world in barely a full day? </p><p>She laid in bed lost in those thoughts until Mary entered the room quietly. The maid opened the drapes and glanced at her employer with a genuine smile. </p><p>Penelope reminded herself that not only did she have herself to get out of bed for but the people who counted on her as well. Still that didn’t mean she had to see Colin until the last possible and unavoidable moment. </p><p>She took a luxurious bath and had breakfast brought to her room. She allowed Mary to spend longer on her hair, though only those at church would be able to appreciate it. Her curls danced on her head everytime she moved her neck.</p><p>She chose a deep pink dress, it brought colour to her cheeks and painted a pretty picture. She paired it with her cream jacket and gloves. She decided on her newest bonnet, embroidered gold leaves ran through the soft green silk. Mary clapped her hands at the finished product, she was truly a sweet girl.</p><p>Penelope did not step out of her room until a few minutes prior to her intended meeting time with the Fontaines. She walked with purpose past Colin’s door, though she did not know if he was within or not. Edmund was waiting for her as she descended the stairs, ready to answer the question she had yet to ask.</p><p>“No messengers in the night or this morning, Miss. Should we send word for you at church if need arises?”</p><p>He was watching her closely, and she wondered if he’d overheard her and Colin last night. </p><p>Servants always knew.</p><p>“No, Edmund. I will be returning promptly after the service. Could you have Mrs. Bosworth prepare a light lunch for my return?”</p><p>“As you wish.”</p><p>Edmund held the door open for her, movement catching her attention out of the corner of her eye. She glanced back to see Colin standing on the stairs, dressed impeccably and so handsome it took her breath away. She almost smiled at him until his words just hours before came rushing back. Penelope set her mouth in a firm line and headed into the street. She was certain Edmund shut the door behind her more firmly than was required.</p><p>Thankfully the Fontaines asked no pressing questions and were content that Penelope had an unexpected visit from a family friend. They were completely understanding that she had cancelled their plans the day before and insisting she come for supper the next evening. It gave her something to look forward to, the idea that her life could return to the happy way it had been before.</p><p>Normally Penelope would listen to the church service with some interest, especially since the vicar was so impassioned and witty as he preached. Yet today she felt like everyone could read her thoughts, that they knew what had transpired between her and Colin in the dark of night.</p><p>As if they could see the ungodly wants of her soul.</p><p>She watched the light pour through one of the stained glass windows and sighed. </p><p>Penelope couldn’t decipher Colin’s motives. He was angry when he thought she was allowing herself to be another man’s mistress. Yet, when he believed she was as innocent as she had been, for she was unsure she could call herself that now, he had <em> wanted </em> her?</p><p>It made no sense to her.</p><p>
  <em> You glow, Penelope. </em>
</p><p>Hadn't she always been herself? Hadn't she always been right there in front of him? Maybe her style of dress was different, maybe her hair more flattering but she was still Penelope. The same girl he never saw as more than his sister’s friend. The same woman he had seen her become for the snippets of time he was home from his travels.</p><p>Why had he looked into her situation? How had he even discovered it? He said it was out of concern but did he have the means or connections?</p><p>No, Colin did not but his brother the Viscount most certainly did. If Anthony had looked into her inheritance, had found it to be a farce did he think the same of her? Did Benedict? Surely they would keep their suspicions to themselves but if they hadn’t and Violet Bridgerton knew...</p><p>She suddenly felt as if she couldn’t breathe. She loved them all and the fear that they were ashamed of her was too much to bear. </p><p>The worst part was she could see how Colin and his brothers could come to that assumption given the information they had. She thought she’d tied it all into a neat bow that had unravelled around her. To them was supposed to have no money, no real connections and no familial protection. How else could they explain it without knowledge of her earnings from Whistledown?</p><p>Would Penelope have not come to the same conclusion when presented the same facts? She hated to admit she would.</p><p>So caught up in her own despair Penelope didn’t realize the service had ended up until Edith stood up and nudged her playfully to exit the pew.</p><p>Penelope had learned at a young age to put on a polite and happy facade, even when she was slowly dying inside and today was no different. She made small talk outside the church with others, grateful when it was finally acceptable for her party to start heading home.</p><p>“Miss Featherington.” Penelope turned to see the vicar walking swiftly towards her. “May I have a brief moment of your time?”</p><p>She nodded to the lady she’d been speaking with and nervously made her way towards the preacher. </p><p>
  <em> Did her wantonness show on her face? </em>
</p><p>“I apologize for pulling you away but I have a favour to ask if I may be so bold.” His smile was sincere and the knots in Penelope’s stomach loosened.</p><p>“Of course, you know I am always willing to assist the parish in any way I can.” </p><p>“Well actually, you see my older brother Sir Alexander Havish has just recently come out of mourning, his wife passed unexpectedly last summer. He will be arriving in a few weeks for an extended visit and I had hoped I could make introductions.” His cheeks grew rosy. “I believe you have shared interests.”</p><p>Penelope felt her own face redden. This had never happened to her before, let alone so directly. </p><p>“I would be honoured to make his acquaintance.” </p><p>She didn’t imagine for a second the gentleman would find any romantic desire in her but she couldn’t help but be pleased. Her new society thought highly of her and she would do everything she could to foster it.</p><p>“Most excellent, I…” He didn’t get the chance to finish as a young child ran between them, their mother giving chase with an apologetic smile. Penelope made her escape and linked her arm with Edith’s for the short walk back to their street.</p><p>She steeled herself to face Colin. She would ask him to keep her secret from everyone outside of his brothers and in return she would forgive him his understandable assumptions. Everything else between them would be forgotten. It had been nothing more than the stress of the situation they currently found themselves in. Surely he felt the same way, no doubt Colin was embarrassed at having implied he wanted her. All this would soon be over and though her heart would hurt for a while it would mend. Then she would go back to avoiding him as before, moving forward in her solitary life once again.</p><p>Penelope felt almost confident and prepared until she caught sight of the two horses near her front gate. There must be news of Eloise, it was the only explanation. Thankfully the Fontaines asked no questions and left her to climb her front steps alone. She kept as calm as she could lest anyone be watching though she wanted nothing more than to race inside.</p><p>Edmund opened the door before she reached it with a grim look on his face.</p><p>“Where is Mr. Bridgerton?” </p><p>Surely he have heard something, there was no other explanation. Then she noticed bags off to the side that looked suspiciously like Colin’s.</p><p>“In the study Miss, awaiting your return.”</p><p>She didn’t bother removing her things, instead she picked up her skirts and rushed for news of any kind.</p><p>Colin stood as she entered the room, an unreadable expression on his face. Penelope closed the door softly behind her before forcing herself to not crumble in his presence. Though neatly dressed he looked almost worse than the morning he arrived, as if he hadn’t slept all night.</p><p>“Word of Eloise?” </p><p>She knew she was still upset with him but right in that moment he was her lifeline.</p><p>Colin held up the opened letter in his hands.</p><p>“She is safe, and well. Quite well actually. She is to be wed to Sir Phillip Crane within a fortnight.”</p><p>Penelope almost collapsed as she sunk onto the settee, closed her eyes against the wave of relief she felt.</p><p>“She has requested your presence for the small family affair, a letter was enclosed for you.” Colin came to stand in front of her, the sealed paper in his hands. She took it without looking up and clasped it to her chest.  “Penelope, I…” </p><p>She cleared her throat to stop him speaking and with it the conversation she desperately did not want to have.</p><p>“You will be leaving immediately I imagine?”</p><p>“Yes, I was simply waiting to inform you before my departure.”</p><p>She dared then to meet his eyes, and wished she hadn’t. He looked sadder than she’d ever seen him. Colin’s face wasn’t made for melancholy. He was made for mirth and joy. It made her ache for him and she couldn’t let herself because...</p><p>“Miss Featherington, I cannot thank you enough for your hospitality and I hope we will meet again soon.” </p><p>She nodded, looked back down at her hands, unable to watch him leave. She waited and waited, but he didn’t move. </p><p>“Dammit, I…” Then Colin’s face was there, his fingers under her chin gently forcing her to look at him crouched before her. “I have wounded you greatly and for that I am eternally sorry. It was my own jealous pride that clouded my common sense. Please know that my admiration for you has never waivered, not once.”</p><p>Penelope opened her mouth but no words came out. Colin looked down and wrapped his hands with her gloved ones resting in her lap. Even with the fabric between them she felt his heat. He brought their joined hands up between them, locked them firmer together.</p><p>“If not for my family’s great need for me I would not leave things as they are between us. I would stay, throw myself at your mercy and beg a forgiveness I do not deserve for as long as it took”</p><p>He moved one of his hands from hers and gently brushed his fingers across her cheek. Her heart, oh her treacherous heart, beat wildly in her chest. Penelope wondered if Colin could hear it.</p><p>“Please come to the wedding. Please do not hold my actions against my sister, against my family who adore you.” His bright eyes pleaded with her.</p><p>“I would never let Eloise down, not for you or anyone else.” </p><p>Colin smiled at the conviction in her voice, his fingers still cupping her face. He took liberties he was not entitled to but she couldn’t bring herself to pull away. He let out a breath of relief that tickled her face.</p><p>“I know you wish to wipe away everything that transpired between us…”</p><p>“Please, Colin.” She bit her lip at the memory of him close the night before, their bodies pressed so firmly together. How right and perfect it had been for a brief moment in time. “I cannot…”</p><p>“I…” He leaned his forehead against hers, and Penelope was overcome with the sensation of him surrounding her. Even after everything it felt more intimate than anything else they had shared before. “I will forever be haunted that my most fervent wish and my greatest blunder happened all at once. I will endeavor to prove the depth of my feelings for you until my last breath if you will only allow me.”</p><p>She blinked at him, he spoke in riddles that made no sense. </p><p>“I do not understand you.” Penelope felt tears prickle her eyes. “I truly do not.”</p><p>Colin pulled away, lifted his hand still clasped with hers and kissed the exposed skin of her wrist where her glove and sleeve did not meet. He closed his eyes briefly, Penelope entranced by the furrow of his brow, the softness of his lips.</p><p>When his eyes opened again it was if he was staring into her soul, saying something that she didn’t dare believe.</p><p>Until he said the words out loud for her to hear and her heart stopped. </p><p>“Penelope Featherington, I am irrevocably in love with you.”</p><p>In her disbelief she was frozen, unable to process hearing the words from his lips. When she did nothing but stare at him wide eyed he gave her a sad smile. Then he kissed her wrist once more, rose to his feet and hastened out of the room. </p><p>But the words never left her. She heard them as she sat unmoving, her world tilted even further on its axis than ever before. Heard them over and over in his whispered tone long after the sound of hooves faded down her street. Heard them as she looked down at her hands that had never felt so empty before.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Y’all kind of blew my mind with your response to the last chapter. I am at a loss for words.</p><p>I apologize for the lack of editing on this one. Life is insane and I am trying to get the chapters out as soon as I can.</p><p>Thank you for all just being so great.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter Seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Penelope moved through the next few days in a fog of confusion, wildly hopeful one moment and ragingly spiteful the next. She felt betrayed by her own thoughts and feelings.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She did eventually read Eloise’s letter, moving in an automatic way long after Colin’s declaration. She tucked his impossible words in a door behind her heart to be analyzed later. She could not think of her own situation until she knew her friend’s happiness was secure.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Eloise was not only to be a wife but a mother as well. She wrote of the man she was to marry, </span>
  <em>
    <span>my PhIllip, </span>
  </em>
  <span>in an elegant and sincere way. Penelope knew Miss Bridgerton better than herself and it was clear, even if Eloise herself did not know it yet. There was no doubt she was not only deeply in love with her fiancée but his children also.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was an irony in the situation Penelope could not ignore. How many times as girls that grew into ladies had they shared their greatest hopes for their future? Eloise sticking up her nose at the idea of being beholden to a husband, Penelope fearful of the reality of being truly alone. Yet here they were, their lives two sides of a coin neither had expected. Still they were both happy, or at the very least Eloise was.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As Penelope made her plans to travel to Aubrey Hall for Eloise’s nuptials she spent most of her time convincing herself she should attend. What she said to Colin was the truth, she would never let her friend down.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But at what cost to her own heart?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She went for long walks to clear her mind, Dotty and Mary seemingly aware she did not wish to make conversation. Her whole household was treating her with a kindness of understanding that left no question they knew what had happened between her and Colin. Or at least enough to fill in the missing pieces. She was too grateful to be embarrassed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The day before she was to leave was fraught with uncertainty and second guesses. The journey would be a long one with two stays at inns along the way. Women travelling alone at night was not safe and she would have Mary with her. Penelope also insisted she look rested and as confidant as possible when she faced once again the man who intruded all her waking moments. She didn’t want him to think he held any sway over her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The fact was that Penelope just didn’t believe Colin’s words. She had no doubt he was sincere in his own belief of being in love with her but what did he really know of love? It was only when he had thought she needed saving from some unknown evil that he even entered into the thought.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Colin wasn’t flighty but she knew he desired an occupation, something of worth to fill his time. It was why he traveled and never stayed in one place for long. It was why he never courted a wife no matter how much his mother pressured him in such a direction. With all his charm and wit Penelope knew he was lost, searching for something he would probably never find.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Penelope was just the next adventure, one he would tire of in a short order. He was a man who did not know himself, and she wouldn’t become an afterthought to those who claimed to love her. She had suffered that enough for endless lifetimes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Yet her bags were packed and Mary was excited to venture out of Bath for the first time. Meanwhile Penelope was still undecided if she would be able to step into the carriage when the time came.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was having lunch, more pushing her food around her plate and frowning, when Edmund brought a letter recently delivered. He even smiled at her, or his attempt at one. He clearly cared for her but didn’t actually like that he did. It only made him more dear to Penelope.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you, Edmund.” She took the missive from the tray. “I do hope you plan to take a day or two for yourself while I am away.” Penelope had made the same command of Mrs. Bosworth and Dotty just that morning. They had met the request with thankful joy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Edmund just frowned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We shall see, Miss.” He turned to walk away but she stopped him with a clearing of her throat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well at the very least please go see the tailor. I have put in a request for three new suits and you will need to be fitted. I trust you to pick the right styles.” It was natural for her as his employer to provide his uniform but she had hoped to appeal to his vanity.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He nodded to her but he could not hide the mirth behind his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“As you wish, Miss.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Penelope could only smile at her small victory. If he would only take her kindness under the guise of requirement than so be it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She turned her attention to the letter and was surprised to see Violet Bridgerton’s seal. For a brief second she worried that she was uninvited to the wedding, which would break her heart regardless of the relief it would bring. She would only receive such a request if Violet believed…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Colin would have told them the truth would be not?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With trepidation Penelope opened the letter and forced herself to read it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Dearest Penelope,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I received your letter shortly after all was put to rights and knowing my Eloise is happy and will be settled in a caring marriage quite soon. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I look greatly forward to your visit. It is no secret I have missed your shining smile during tea and the hushed whispers of you and Eloise in some hidden corner. Do know you were never as quiet as you would like to believe. Yet we mother’s like to let our daughters the liberty of thinking they have their secrets.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I wish to thank you most ardently for your help and care over Colin during such a difficult time. I have always viewed you as one of us, if I may write so boldly, and my heart is full to know you feel the same. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I am assured you are thriving in your new situation. I must insist you share all you are willing for me to know, that is once the chaos a Bridgerton wedding causes has settled around us. Eloise informs me you shall arrive the day before and leave us quickly after. You are welcome to stay with us at Aubrey Hall for as long as you wish. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What a joy it will be to have almost all my children together again.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>With Affection,</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Violet Bridgerton.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And at that Penelope had to push her own fears aside. It was one thing to let Eloise down on what would be a defining moment in her life but you never said no to her mother.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Penelope repeated that over and over as the carriage pulled away from her safe haven the next morning. With every bump of the wheel, every night in a too soft bed and every bright eyed gasp of delight from Mary’s lips Penelope felt the anxiety of what was to come.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>On the final leg of their journey she ensured she looked as put together as possible in her traveling clothes. She hoped wearily that her first sight of Colin after his misguided declaration would not be an embarrassment for both of them. She wondered how quickly he would come to his senses, and if he would even inform her when he did.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They pulled up to Aubrey Hall too soon for her liking, unable to dawdle for time as the moment she descended from the carriage Eloise was rushing out the door to greet her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Penelope felt tears prickle her eyes the second she was in her friend’s embrace. The comfort was long needed and briefly she had to fight the desire to open her mouth and share every detail of her heart’s lament.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Instead she pulled away and let Eloise lead her by the hand back into the house.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come, everyone is off doing whatever it is that a wedding requires. We have just enough time for tea before the masses appear.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It had been a few years since Penelope had been in the belly of Aubrey Hall but it was as grand as she remembered. Eloise barely let her remove her cape and bonnet before she linked their arms together and led her to the bright library where a tray of tea and food was waiting.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There is less chance of us being found in here, at least for a little while.” Eloise started pouring, acting as if they’d seen each other just the day before. “You look radiant, I love that dress.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you. How are…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No. We have no time. I’ll share all about myself later but right now I want to hear about you. Most importantly what happened with Colin.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Penelope almost dropped the cup and saucer she’d just been handed. Surely he couldn’t have said anything, surely not.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“With Colin?” Her voice came out like the squeak of a pigeon. “Whatever do you mean?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Was he horrible when you saw him? I did in fact leave a note, it’s not my fault they couldn’t find it. Anthony and Benedict were ghastly when they discovered me.” Eloise bit into a biscuit and got a far away look in her eyes. “But since my engagement they have been amiable, though I think they’re happy to be rid of me.”</span>
</p>
<p>“Colin was an excellent houseguest, just gravely concerned for your well-being.” Penelope did her best to keep her face as passive as possible. “As was I. Eloise, how could you do such a thing?”</p>
<p>
  <span>Her friend just waved her hand, like that explained everything.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t regret it now can I? I chased my joy like you and now we’re both happy.” Eloise eyed her over her steaming cup. “As a single woman of independent means the gentleman of Bath must be all a twitter since your arrival. You’ve not mentioned any in your letters, surely there must be one that’s captured your attention.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Penelope wasn’t prepared for such a line of questioning so soon, clearly out of practice in dealing with the whirlwind that was Eloise Bridgerton. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh. What is that face?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Penelope touched her cheek in confusion.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What face?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You have a distinct look about you. There is someone.” Eloise leaned forward like the lifelong conspirator she had always been. “Pray tell, who is it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There is no one.” Yet Penelope knew Eloise would not stop until she discovered the truth. She could sniff out anything unless duly distracted. The only hope she had was that a half truth would do the trick. “Well, not someone I’ve met yet.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Really?” Eloise clapped her hands silently.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Our vicar has a widowed brother, a Sir Havish, coming to Bath at the end of summer. He’s asked if he could make introductions…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And you agreed?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Penelope nodded, warmed at the smile that spread across Eloise’s face. She had missed her so, and seeing her like this was overwhelming. She was still Eloise, loud and opinionated and fiercely kind but there was a contented confidence about her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Is that what mutual love could do?</span>
</p>
<p>The sound of something between a cough and a growl made Penelope freeze. She didn’t need to look to her left to know exactly who it was. Her body tingled all over and the air got thick and heavy.</p>
<p>
  <span>“Penelope is here, Colin!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, I have eyes Eloise.” Penelope put down her tea to rest her hands in her lap, still unable to look in his direction. “Mother has urgent need for you, something about flowers and ribbons, I’ll admit I stopped listening after the word </span>
  <em>
    <span>pearlescent.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Eloise huffed and gave Penelope a roll of her eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So much for simple affair.” She rose to her feet, and sighed. “Colin, please show Pen to her room, she is no doubt exhausted from her travels. And do smile, this is supposed to be a joyous occasion.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With a bounce to her step Eloise exited the room and left Penelope to her fate. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And we must meet our fate head on.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Penelope stood and turned, seeing those green eyes piercing into her. He was in the comfort of his home so he wore no jacket or ascot. His linen shirt was pulled up over his forearms, his hair askew. He looked like he hadn’t had a peaceful nights sleep since he arrived at her gate a lifetime ago. At least they had that in common.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She took a step toward the open door, ready to make her escape and an excuse that she knew the way. She was always placed in the room next to Eloise’s. She just had to take maybe three more steps and...</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Colin quickly shut the door and leaned casually against it, blocking her path and stealing her breath.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I dare to hope your Sir Havish is a bad shot.” Colin cocked his eyebrow in a playful way that contrasted sharply with the intensity of his voice. “I would hate to die in my first duel.”</span>
</p>
<p>
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</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I wanted to answer a few questions I had in the comments.</p>
<p>No, there is not current plan for this fic to be from anyone’s narrative other than Penelope. Hopefully I am able to convey Colin’s point of view in a way that works.</p>
<p>I do not intend this fic to be a slow burn, at least not what my view of one is. I assure you there is a plan and the fic will not go on for 20 chapters.</p>
<p>The next chapter will be a few days as the weekend is jam packed (as much as it can be in a pandemic) but I will update when I can. Please stay safe and well and know I appreciate each and every one of you. Sincerely!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter Eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He had no right to stand there looking as he did. The heat of his eyes and the realization of what happened the last time there was a closed door between them and the outside world…</p>
<p>Penelope sighed and resisted the urge to rub the bridge of her nose. She felt a headache coming on. </p>
<p>“Don’t be foolish, it is unbecoming of a gentleman.”</p>
<p>She watched the line of Colin’s mouth get harder, as if she somehow in all this she was the difficult one.</p>
<p>“I see…so Sir Havish is a true gentleman is he?”</p>
<p>“As you overheard then you know I haven’t even met the man yet. I had to tell your sister something, she was asking questions about your time in Bath…” </p>
<p>Penelope turned to gaze out the window, she couldn’t bear to face the way he was looking at her. It was all so confusing. Once again, she was caught between wanting to race from the room or race into his arms. She knew to keep her heart safe she must remain strong.</p>
<p>“I have missed you.”</p>
<p>She felt his words on the back of her neck, somehow he had snuck up on her. His hands slid onto her bare arms and caused her skin to prickle in awareness. She felt the brush of his lips soft against her shoulder, just a whisper of a touch that had her swooning back into his embrace. His arms wrapped around her chest, pulled her firmly against him. She was certain she heard him breath in the scent of her hair.</p>
<p>“Marry me, Penelope.”</p>
<p>It shocked her out of her daydream come to life, crashed her back to reality. She stepped out of his arms, walked towards the window. It was a beautiful day, the gardens bright and warm in the sunlight. Penelope wished she could step through the glass to the other side and run.</p>
<p>“Do I not warrant a response? If you are to break my heart at least look me in the eye when you do so.”</p>
<p>He sounded wounded, desperate and it was a feeling Penelope knew well.</p>
<p>She closed her eyes, took in one calming breath and did just as he requested.</p>
<p>“Do not ask for something you truly do not want. I do not require saving, Colin.”</p>
<p>No, she did not need it but how she wanted it. Had that not been the plot of every story she wrote in her head? Colin and herself always in the starring roles. He would take her away from her wretched mother and ridiculous sisters. He would think her beautiful even in yellow and tangerine. He would rescue her from the endless loneliness of being unseen and forgettable. In the end he had been exactly as everyone else.</p>
<p>So she faded in with the curtains and learned to save herself.</p>
<p>He tilted his head a little, gazing at her face looking for an answer he could not find.</p>
<p>“You think me too altruistic, could it not be I who requires a saviour?”</p>
<p>Penelope felt a laugh bubble out of her throat and let it free. It sounded cold even to her own ears. She had heard enough, she had been through enough. She would not be made a mockery of again, but especially not by him.</p>
<p>“Will you stop this, please? You are unfair.” </p>
<p>How could he not see what he was putting her through? She wanted to fold in on herself, she wanted to find Eloise and cry in her arms. She could do none of those things, but Penelope knew of unfulfilled wants. She knew he would thank her for this one day. When he truly fell in love with someone, when he would find the woman that would capture his desire forever.</p>
<p>Colin ran his hand through his hair in frustration, paced as he looked up at her.</p>
<p>“I know I hurt you before and I was wrong, so very wrong. Please believe…”</p>
<p>“Believe what? That after all these years you finally love me in return?”</p>
<p>Colin’s eyes widened and he took a step back. Penelope shook her head; she could not be ashamed of a fact that all of London knew by now. </p>
<p>The sky was blue, the ton was spiteful and Penelope Featherington was in love with Colin Bridgerton. His feigned surprise made her feel small and insignificant.</p>
<p>“Do not spare my feelings by pretending you were unaware.”</p>
<p>He said nothing in response, his gaze traveling her face once again. Penelope huffed and moved to walk past him, her only means of escape.</p>
<p>He captured her elbow, firmly halting her in her tracks. He tucked his face close into hers, the blue of her eyes clashed with his green.</p>
<p>“I thought it was just a young girl’s flirtation. I did not know it went deeper than that.”</p>
<p>“Colin, everyone knew. I have never hid it well no matter how hard I tried. The ton, your family…anyone that ever looked at me saw I only ever looked at you. It proves only that you never glanced my way, not once.” </p>
<p>Penelope’s voice cracked, but she had to get this out. She had to finish this.</p>
<p>A tear slid down her cheek without her permission. Colin leaned into her, as if holding her was keeping him upright.</p>
<p>“I see you now, Penelope. I cannot bear to gaze elsewhere.”</p>
<p>He kissed her forehead and she allowed herself that. Just one brief moment that she could tuck away in her heart. She would never let him this close again; she would ensure it for her own survival and for his long term happiness.</p>
<p>She let him hold her for one second longer before finally pulling away. She wrapped her arms tight around herself. </p>
<p>“And what becomes of me when you eventually look away, Colin? You have never enjoyed a view for long before seeking out another.”</p>
<p>Penelope all but sprinted away and refused to look back. She made it to her room without seeing another soul. She could hear them though, the laughter of children far off in the distance. All around her was a celebration of love and family, of unity and promise. When she finally escaped she was shocked to see Mary there straightening out the bed linens in the streaming light.</p>
<p>“Miss?” </p>
<p>Penelope put a hand over her mouth, unable to hold back the sob that wracked through her whole body. </p>
<p>“Oh, Miss.” </p>
<p>Mary took her around the shoulders and led her to the bench in front of the room’s vanity. Penelope didn’t dare look in the mirror, instead she tried to calm her tears and gain her composure.</p>
<p>“I am sorry Mary, you should not see me like this.” Penelope gasped for breath. “I should not have come to this wedding. I do not belong here.”</p>
<p>Mary handed her a glass of water, sitting on her knees by Penelope’s legs and grasping at her hand.</p>
<p>“No, Miss. You are much adored here. Miss Bridgerton’s lady maid told me how lucky I am to be employed by you as even she knows how kind you are.” Mary boldly took her hand and rubbed it soothingly. </p>
<p>Penelope laughed at the absurdity of her current situation. Her maid was consoling her after…</p>
<p>“Mr. Bridgerton proposed marriage.” She couldn’t even believe the words that left her mouth. “He believes he loves me.”</p>
<p>She wiped once more at the never ending tears as Mary procured a handkerchief from thin air.</p>
<p>“Well of course he does, even I can see that.”</p>
<p>Penelope shot her head up to look at her, Mary’s eyes growing big as saucers.</p>
<p>“I am sorry Miss, I spoke out of turn…”</p>
<p>“No, Mary not at all...I just don’t know why you would think such a thing.”</p>
<p>Mary, so young and so bright, who saw the world as this new and exciting thing. Penelope hoped she would stay that way for as long as life would let her.</p>
<p>“Miss, I have seen how he looks at you. I don’t know how you could disbelieve it.”</p>
<p>And Penelope didn’t know what to say to that.</p>
<p>Instead she wiped her face and patted Mary’s hand.</p>
<p>“I think I’ll lay down for a while, will you wake me in time to prepare for dinner?”</p>
<p>Penelope was grateful that the ladies and men would dine separately tonight. They claimed it was a tradition but she knew it was to save the gentleman the fan fair of women and their wedding talk.</p>
<p>Mary helped her undress and when she sunk into the bed, so familiar and comforting that even with her muddled head she fell into sleep easily enough. She dreamt of herself standing in the middle of a bridge. On one end was Colin, his back to her but she would know his shape anywhere. On the other was a dark forbidding darkness that called to her. Still she knew it was wrong, knew that if Colin would just turn around she would go to him willingly. Yet the shadow was emitting a familiar song, something her mother used to play on the pianoforte in the evenings after supper. It was comforting even with the painful memories that came with it. She awoke as soon as she took her first step away from the unknown.</p>
<p>She dressed for supper, informal as it was. Mary was quiet but kept smiling and fawning over the choice of purple satin. Penelope wore her hair down, it made her feel stronger somehow.</p>
<p>As she made her way to the dining room she passed the library, the door ajar and the distinct sound of Benedict’s soothing timber floated towards her. No doubt the men in attendance, the Viscount, Benedict and the Duke of Hastings were already into their brandy. She assumed Colin was in there as well, where else would he be?</p>
<p>She almost continued on but stopped herself. There were things that needed to be said and she was unsure when she would get such an opportunity again.</p>
<p>She approached the door and knocked softly. When she entered all the men looked at her in surprise, Simon sitting up straighter in his chair, Benedict frozen with his tumbler halfway to his mouth. Thankfully Colin was not amongst them.</p>
<p>Anthony was the one who finally stood, the others following suit.</p>
<p>“Penelope, how may we be of service?”</p>
<p>The Viscount was a handsome man, all the Bridgerton men were, but they each had a unique quality amongst themselves. Benedict was a romantic, even before his love story with his wife. Colin was the charm and the wit, though she would admit his looks could rival any of siblings. Gregory had yet to reveal his, away at university as he was and becoming the man he would be.</p>
<p>The Viscount, his was of a tortured quality. He always seemed to be at war with himself. Even happily settled there was a weight he had to bear as the head of his family. Right now there was no one she related to more.</p>
<p>Penelope shut the door and waved her hand for the men to sit.</p>
<p>“I just wished to clarify some things with you. I am unsure of what Colin revealed about his visit to Bath.” </p>
<p>Benedict sputtered slightly whereas the other men just looked at her curiously.</p>
<p>“Only that you offered assistance, of which I am immensely grateful.” Anthony looked at Benedict who averted his eyes. Penelope had no doubt he was privy to more than the eldest brother was.</p>
<p>“It came to light that Colin discovered my inheritance was a sham. I highly doubt that this was information he was able to obtain on his own.”</p>
<p>The Duke sat up even straighter while Anthony gave her an approving look. She has figured out their play and he undoubtedly respected her for that.</p>
<p>“I apologize for our intrusion in your personal affairs. Colin insisted we ensure you were cared for.”</p>
<p>Penelope nodded, but she would not be dissuaded from speaking her mind.</p>
<p>“I have no doubt this revelation would lead to some assumptions that I would like to clear up.”</p>
<p>“Penelope…” Benedict finally spoke up. “There is no need.”</p>
<p>“I am Lady Whistledown.”</p>
<p>She was met with stunned silence, but Penelope did not miss the upturned lips on Benedict’s face.</p>
<p>“This is how I am able to be of independent means.” She took a settling breath, already she felt easier having it out in the open. “No one but my solicitor and my publisher knew this fact until Colin made some previously held beliefs clear. Unwittingly of course. I ask you keep this information to yourselves unless there were others informed of your speculations.”</p>
<p>“I promise you Miss Featherington that did not transpire.” Simon looked at her directly and she took him at his word.</p>
<p>“I hope this conversation can be treated with the same discretion.” She looked at them each with meaning and then headed for the door.</p>
<p>“Penelope.” She turned to Benedict, his twinkling eyes looked almost triumphant as he held his glass aloft. “Well done.”</p>
<p>
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</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I know what you’re thinking...I said no chapter this weekend. Alas I could not sleep last night (anxiety I know thee well) and writing soothes me. So I am tired today but at least you get one more chapter to tide you over.</p>
<p>As I have said before your comments are such a bright spot in my day and I feel very lucky to have such hilarious readers.</p>
<p>I hope the sun is shining wherever you are!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter Nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>To say that Aubrey Hall was in a tizzy would be an understatement. Penelope was oddly calm as the chaos raged around her. Eloise looked a picture, even if she rolled her eyes every few seconds as her sisters and mother hovered around her. </p><p>“Phillip is quite aware of what I look like, I imagine he enjoys it well enough.” She shot Penelope a wink as Kate and Daphne debated which necklace she should wear. However the bride did allow herself to be fussed over with little complaint.</p><p>Penelope had not seen nor heard of Colin since the day before. She had been thankfully busy catching up with the Bridgerton women. It seemed each was more content then the last. They listened enraptured as she shared stories of her new life, supportive and kind. It had been too long since she laughed that much.</p><p>Unfortunately Eloise and Penelope had not gotten a moment alone together. This afternoon her friend would venture off to start her new life after a quick ceremony and a small wedding lunch. Still even without the chance to share confidence everytime Eloise looked her way Penelope knew she had made the right decision to come. </p><p>Regardless of what her breaking heart might have to say on the matter. </p><p>A hush fell over the room as Eloise was considered prepared. She was gorgeous, and Penelope hoped her future husband was worthy of her. From the soft smile on the bride’s face she had faith that he was.</p><p>The unmarried ladies were shuffled out of the room, which was only Hyacinth and herself, so that the <em> conversation </em>about the marriage bed could be had. </p><p>Eloise hugged her and whispered softly into Penelope’s ear. “I promise to share all I’ve learned the next time we are alone.” </p><p>With a final giggle between them Penelope was left to her own devices until it was time to make the short journey to the church.</p><p>Hyacinth ran off proclaiming she wanted a different hair ribbon and Penelope told her she was headed for the gardens. Years ago her and Eloise would find a spot under a tree, spread out a blanket and share all their secrets. There never had been any between them.</p><p>At least not until now.</p><p>She sat on a bench hidden by a hedge, but easily enough found when the time came. If her mother was here she would berate her for sitting in the sun without a bonnet or parasol.</p><p>“No man wants a woman with freckles marring her skin.” Portia would tut her tongue as if she was being helpful. “You have more than enough to overcome in finding a husband.”</p><p>Penelope closed her eyes and let the warm rays cast across her face. She knew, however, the instant she was no longer alone. She felt his gaze on her neck, the tingle of sparks shoot through her.</p><p>When he stepped before her he was surrounded in a halo of light. It remained simply unbelievable how handsome he was.</p><p>“Miss Featherington, I beg for a moment of your time.” He stood so formerly, even in ballrooms he had never treated her as such. Always as a long time acquaintance, never a lady.</p><p>This was it though wasn’t it? The moment she knew would come the minute Colin’s lips had so beautifully pressed against hers. She had prepared as much as she could.</p><p>She nodded, allowed him to sit stiffly beside her on the bench. They didn’t touch, the space between them respectable. It made her stomach clench.</p><p>Colin cleared his throat before turning his body ever so slightly in her direction.</p><p>“I wish to apologize Miss Featherington, for how boldly I have acted towards you. As a lady you deserve much better than how I have allowed myself to behave.” </p><p>Penelope closed her eyes, prepared herself for the tears that were about to come. The ones that would fall when he did as she knew he would, when he finally looked away.</p><p>“Of course Mr. Bridgerton. It has been a time of utmost stress and emotion. As your friend I understand completely and hold nothing against you.” She steeled herself for the final blow, readied herself to open her eyes and smile while she died inside </p><p>“Thank you.” Colin took a deep breath and Penelope squeezed her hands in her lap. “Now I wish to request that I may be allowed to officially court you.”</p><p>Her eyes flew open as she turned towards him.</p><p>“What?” Penelope couldn’t have heard that correctly.</p><p>Colin boldly took her hand, his gaze closely watched for any sign of distress on her face.</p><p>“You are not convinced of my deep seated feelings and I would be honoured to have the opportunity to prove them to you. To treat you with the respectfulness and care you deserve.” His fingers curled around hers and squeezed. “For however long it takes, for however long you require I will show you that my love is unwavering.”</p><p>Penelope was once again stunned, not only at the request but the hopeful shine of his face. There was so much tenderness there it took her breath away. Colin seemed to register her shock and smiled softly.</p><p>“I was a boy Penelope, a boy who admired the view of home but knew that it would always be there. I came back a man expecting the sun to still be shining upon my return.” He gazed down at their joined hands and it stirred something deep within her. “Yet it was gone and night had fallen. I do not know why I did not appreciate the sunshine until I lost it...it is of great regret that I cannot begin too…”</p><p>“Colin…” She couldn’t believe this. She had never expected such quiet sincerity, a stark contrast to the intensity of everything before.</p><p>“I will never stop trying to find the light again Penelope. I will wait months, years for just a single day in its warmth. Ask it of me and it is yours. Whatever you desire I give you leave to request of me. Only do not ask me to stay in the dark forever, it is a future I cannot bear.”</p><p>“Colin, I do not know what to say.” Nor did Penelope know what to believe. This soft adoration, this calm reverence was an aspect of his personality she did not know him capable of. </p><p>Dare she let herself believe him?</p><p>His lips pursed for a minute, a war waging inside him that he was holding at bay.</p><p>“You do not need to make a decision now. Think on it for as long as you need.” He let go of her hand, reluctantly standing up from beside her. She could tell her was holding back and he was doing it for her. “I assure you my wishes will not change. Thank you for any consideration you give me.”</p><p>He bowed slightly and once again Penelope was blinded by the sun with his departure. </p><p>Colin had taken her aback in a way she’d never experienced before. She had swooned at his good looks. She had giggled with his jokes. She had spent so long absorbing every part of him she was allowed and yet she had never been shown this.</p><p>This Colin unmoored her.</p><p>She went through the rest of the day in heavy contemplation. She sat in a pew and watched her dearest friend swear her life and love to a most handsome and enraptured man. Still she felt Colin’s eyes upon her the whole time. She listened intently to every toast of celebration but heard only every word Colin had said over and over again in her mind. She met Eloise’s children, cherub faces with mischievous smiles and saw the possibility of red haired babies with green eyes.</p><p>In reality she did not absorb anything of the day, surprised when it was time to wave the happy family away as their carriage took them to their new life. With them gone everyone took their leave of each other, a final calm after the chaos.</p><p>Penelope snuck away, not so much to hide as to collect herself. She found the library, being amongst books had always been a solace to her. For a moment she wondered what Lady Whistledown would say about the day.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Dearest Reader,  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The eternally hard to catch Miss Bridgerton has been netted and wed. It seems proposal number four, as we were all certainly counting, was the prize. Sir Phillip Crane is not known to society but all who meet him find him handsome and deeply in love with his new wife. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Constant companion and spinster sister to the bride, Miss Penelope Featherington was in attendance. Rumour has it Mr. Colin Bridgerton has finally noticed the lady’s long held admiration. Maybe the shelf will not be her final resting place. For once the choice may actually be hers. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I promise you Reader, you are not alone in your disbelief.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Penelope smiled into her hand as she imagined the ton being aghast at such an outcome. They would have every right to be. The mere thought of Colin courting her was nothing short of...</p><p>“Ah, Penelope. I see I am not the only one seeking a book for a little break from the family.” </p><p>She looked up to see Benedict sans his jacket strolling into the room with a jovial look. Instead of heading for the shelves he took a seat across from her, lounging back and eyeing her carefully.</p><p>“It has been a rather eventful day.” Penelope chose her words carefully. She had no doubt Benedict, as Colin’s closest sibling, had just as much knowledge as she did. Perhaps more. “One I am sure most did not ever expect to see.”</p><p>Benedict raised an eyebrow before nodding his head, taking her words to give him full leave to address the unspoken issue at hand.</p><p>“I believe Eloise has had it easier than some.” He crossed his leg and smiled at her. “I think it is much easier to discover your heart’s true desire unexpectedly.”</p><p>Penelope frowned at him. She knew they were speaking in riddles but this one she could not solve.</p><p>“What I mean to say is…” Benedict tapped his finger on his knee before continuing. “When love is a thunderbolt it has a power that usurps us, leaves us disbelieving what we know to be true. No matter how much time passes we are unshaken and with that comes an idea of folly or myth. Surely we are not the special few that it happens to, no one writes great novels of mere mortals.”</p><p>Penelope knew his and Sophie’s love story well. That he laid eyes in his wife years before they were wed and knew she was the one long before they were ever united. </p><p>How did she just realize in this moment how much they had that in common?</p><p>“Yet when love grows slowly, creeps instead of leaps, it is slipping into a warm bath. It is comforting and safe, no less true but much more accepted.” Benedict’s eyes brightened as he saw the understanding on her face. “It is not easy to know your heart before you truly know yourself.”</p><p>Penelope was surprised at the laugh of relief that escaped. She realized in that moment it was not Colin she did not believe in but herself. She had always been her own champion against her mother, against the ton and even yes, against Colin but never against her deepest fears.</p><p>The fear that she could actually have everything she ever wanted. </p><p>Oh what a fool she had been.</p><p>Benedict picked up a stray book on a table beside him, opening it to a spot at random.</p><p>“Now I believe we have the rest of the day to do as we wish. If anyone were to ask me I would let it be known you took to your room with a sudden headache.” Penelope watched him turn a page with meaning. “I believe my younger brother has done the same thing.”</p><p>They grinned at each other and she wished she could hug him. Instead she stood and curtsied with a flourish. She felt giddy, and a little hysterical with happiness. Picking up her skirts she raced from the room.</p><p>She was finally ready to stop chasing her joy and let it catch her instead.</p><p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yes I am a lying liar who lies. I may never sleep again at this rate.</p><p>I adore you all.</p><p>One...maybe two more chapters after this. We shall see.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter Ten</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>With all the excitement and hopeful promise bubbling within her Penelope still stood anxiously outside Colin’s bedroom door. She’d never been inside a man’s private space before, nor been alone with one where an actual bed was within reach. It felt like such a huge thing, this massive moment she’d thought up in her head most of her life. Stepping across the threshold would irrevocably turn her world upside down, for good or for bad. Yet she’d come this far and slinking away without knowing for sure…</p><p>She knocked loudly, winced as the sound seemed to echo through the deserted hallway.</p><p>“Enter.”</p><p>It was a muffled shout that gave her the courage she needed to slip in the room quickly lest anyone see her.</p><p>She closed the door and leaned against it, expecting Colin to be shocked to find her there. Penelope was met with a very different sight instead.</p><p>Penelope saw only his back, jacket and vest gone, his shirt stretched across his shoulders as he leaned his arms on the window frame. Colin’s head hung almost limply, clear he was not looking out at the gardens but the floor at his feet.</p><p>“Just tell me Benedict, did she give you an inclination of her leanings? I know you said to have patience but there is only so long one man's heart can be asked to wait.”</p><p>He lifted his head, and she felt the sadness rolling off of him in waves. She opened her mouth to soothe him but she realized she didn’t know what to say. She did not have his ease with words, his charm and sentiment. She was wrapped in emotions she’d never dreamed she would ever admit out loud to anyone. Sometimes not even to herself.</p><p>“I love you.” </p><p>It slipped out in a whisper, but loud enough that Colin whipped around to face her. Penelope watched surprise, and then hope and then, dare she say it, adoration spread across his face.</p><p>He took two steps hurriedly forward and then stopped himself. His hands flexed at his sides, holding himself back again, for her. It made everything within her sigh.</p><p>“Please tell me that I am awake.” Colin’s eyes looked haunted for a moment, and so very very tired. “I cannot bear to wake up and find this to be once again a dream.”</p><p>She went to him, slowly as if he were a scared animal. He scanned her for any sign of trepidation, any hint of unease. She raised her hand to cup his face, her breath catching when he leaned into her touch.</p><p>“Then we are both asleep my love, as our dreams are one and the same.” She placed her other hand over his heart, felt it beat wildly under her palm. “Nothing in this world would make me happier than being your wife.”</p><p>He grinned at her, bright and bold, the Colin she had always known him to be. Then he wrapped his arms around her, lifted and twirled her in circles. She could do nothing but giggle as her head and heart spun with him. When he stopped they were both laughing, his hands still firm at her waist, her clutching his shoulders.</p><p>Feeling emboldened, for once the heroine in her own story, she slid her fingers to his neck and pulled his head down to hers. She knew that if she didn’t feel his mouth against hers she would fade away from existence. There were things she didn’t know how to say, but she knew how they felt. She needed Colin to feel them too.</p><p>He was gentle, his lips smiling against hers. She drank it in, the warm pressure of her held firmly against him, the heat of his fingers as they slid to pull her closer still. It was sweeter than honey, a hint of spice when his tongue swept against hers. She lost herself to it, let herself do what felt right. She danced her hands into his hair, surprised at herself when her teeth pulled at his lower lip.</p><p>Colin groaned, or possibly growled, somehow keeping their mouths together while swinging her legs up in his arms. She held on tighter, the idea that she was too heavy was lost as he carried her easily and laid her softly on his bed. She wanted him as close as the night on her settee, wanted the weight of him holding her down.</p><p>Instead he walked to the end of the bed and gazed at her, leaned against the bedpost with a look akin to awe. She felt self conscious spread out on the soft blankets, pillows that propped her up enough that she could see him clearly.</p><p>“Colin?”</p><p>“I have seen you like this in my mind so many times. My imagination did not do your beauty justice.”</p><p>He shook his head at her blush, still smiling as he finally placed a knee on the mattress. Colin crawled his way to her, slow and methodical. It made her stomach clench and a thrill to shoot through her. Still her nerves got the better of her, fingers grabbing at his arms to pull him closer. He dipped his head to a spot on her neck that she’d never considered until his mouth sucked lightly at it. A low moan escaped her, a sound she’d not heard herself make before.</p><p>Colin kissed her finally, long and deep and wet as her hands dug into his back and held on. She cursed her skirts, keeping her legs pinned beneath him while she desperately moved her hips…</p><p>“Dammit!”</p><p>Colin’s lips and warmth were gone as he flopped down on the bed beside her, his face buried in the pillows. For a frightening moment Penelope was sure she’d done something wrong, that he could be angry with her. Had she been too bold?</p><p>A low groan rumbled beside her as Colin moved to his side to look at her, a pained smile on his face. It did nothing but confuse her.</p><p>“Why did you stop?”</p><p>Colin grimaced as he moved his legs, turning so they were nose to nose.</p><p>“Because you are a lady. I will not ravage you, at least not until I have been gentlemanly enough to buy you flowers.” He reached for her hand, stroked a thumb over her fingers. “Not until my ring is here for the world to know that you are mine and I am yours.”</p><p>He must have seen the impatience on her face, leaning forward to rub his nose along hers.</p><p>“But if we are not able to obtain a special license then I will carry you to Gretna Green myself.” </p><p>Penelope laughed softly, that giddy feeling creeping over her again.</p><p>“A shame, as I do so enjoy kissing you.” She pressed her lips to the corner of his mouth, finding strength in the bubble they had created. </p><p>“Oh you have permission, as my fiancée, to kiss me whenever you like for as long as you like. You will hear not a complaint from me.”</p><p>“And as your wife?”</p><p>“As my wife you are to have whatever your heart desires whenever you desire it. On one condition.” Colin brushed a wayward curl out of her face. “That as your husband I am to be allowed to spend everyday showing you how much I love and adore you.”</p><p>He captured her lips again, slow and cherishing. She melted into him, her hands at home running through his thick hair. It felt so natural to be here, so intimate and private, as if there was no one else in the universe.</p><p>He sighed into her mouth, and then moved to nuzzle his face into her neck. His breath tickled in a delightful way. She continued to caress his back, running her nails delicately against his scalp. It soothed her, maybe more than it did him. Slowly his breathing evened out, his limbs growing heavy around her.</p><p>“Pen?” It was muffled against her skin.</p><p>“Shhh...rest.” </p><p>She knew he was exhausted, Penelope had worried herself over his tired eyes nonstop for the last week. It made her heart ache that she had been the cause of it.</p><p>“You will still be here when I awake?” His arms tightened around her and she felt something new swell up within her.</p><p>“I believe, good sir, I could not go anywhere if I attempted to.” She kissed the top of his head, felt his hum of contentment through her whole body.</p><p>“I love you, Pen.” He held her even tighter. “My bright and blinding sun.”</p><p>Then just like that the man of dreams was asleep. She kept her eyes open as long as she could, soaked up the way he held her, the feel of him closer than anyone had ever been before. Eventually her own limbs grew heavy, the warmth of him surrounding her and the steady rhythm of his heartbeat lulling her to follow him.</p><p>When she opened her eyes again it was dark except for a few candles burning on the table beside the bed. A blanket had been procured from somewhere and tucked up to her waist. </p><p>Colin was nowhere to be found but the spot where he had been was still warm to the touch. She smiled until she realized she had no idea what time it was. They would have missed dinner, Mary would be wondering where she was. </p><p>
  <em> Oh God they must think… </em>
</p><p>The door creaked open, Colin shuffling in with a tray in his hands and a bottle of wine under his arm. He shut the door softly, his gaze landing on her and a beautiful smile lighting his face in the night.</p><p>“I snuck down to the kitchen. I am famished, which means you must be at least peckish.” He placed the tray on the bed, leaning over to kiss her upturned face.</p><p>“Colin, everyone must wonder…”</p><p>“I have spoken to Benedict, he has handled it all. Excuses have been made.” Colin brushed his thumb against her chin. “He has informed me you will be his favourite of all his sister in laws.”</p><p>He smirked at her, then frowned when he saw the concern on her face.</p><p>“Are you unwell? Do I snore?”</p><p>He looked so worried she could do nothing more than grab his hand and press a kiss to his palm.</p><p>“No...well you do snore a little.” Penelope smiled at his scowl. “I just don’t want anyone to think I have trapped you or tricked you into something…”</p><p>“My love, no...no.”</p><p>Colin shoved the tray aside to sit before her, his hand still firmly in hers.</p><p>“Not only would no one that knows you even dare to imagine such a thing but my brothers…” He chuckled to himself slightly. “Let’s just say they were aware of my feelings well before I was. No doubt they will all be relieved I convinced you to be my bride.”</p><p>She couldn’t help but grin back at him.</p><p>“You are still convinced? Or did the snoring cause you to reconsider.” </p><p>“Maybe a little.” She reached for a grape from the tray and popped it in her mouth.</p><p>Colin clutched at his chest in mock horror.</p><p>“You have only yourself to blame. If I have learned nothing else in the last few months it is that I cannot sleep without you by my side.” He reached over and grabbed a grape of his own. Colin held it against her lips as his eyes darkened. “You must endure a lifetime of my nightly melodies.”</p><p>Penelope, feeling bold and perfectly happy, and oh so hopelessly in love, took the fruit from his fingers and held it aloft to his own mouth.</p><p>“Well then, if music be the fruit of love, play on Mr. Bridgerton.” She smiled as he took her offering and licked her skin slightly. “But first I must return to my room for my nightclothes.”</p><p>“And let you out of my sight? Impossible.” Colin hopped from the bed and rummaged through an open trunk. He presented her with a clean shirt of linen. “Will this do?”</p><p>Penelope doubted it would even fit, but he looked so earnest and somewhat thrilled at the prospect that she would try. Climbing out of the bed she turned her back to him, a silent request for him to unbutton the back of her dress.</p><p>She heard him suck in a breath.</p><p>“And can you loosen my corset as well?” </p><p>She could feel his hands shaking against her as he did so, and once again she felt powerful, desired. As her dress fell away at her shoulders she looked back at him with as sultry a look as she could muster.</p><p>“Turn around, sir. It is impolite to watch a woman undress.”</p><p>His eyes widened but he did as she requested. She removed her underthings and rolled down her stockings. Penelope was surprised when Colin’s shirt floated down her body, daringly low in the front and barely coming to her knees. The sleeves were too long and she felt somewhat silly. </p><p>“I am presentable.” </p><p>Colin turned and she felt his gaze run up her form, her hair no doubt a wild mess as she stood there barefoot.</p><p>“No Penelope, you are perfection.” He held back the blanket for her. “Now please, before I forget myself and my stomach.”</p><p>She scampered back on the bed and sat happily as he served her wine before joining her to enjoy the array of delights he had brought for them to share. Penelope let herself be fed and wooed, let herself soak up every ounce of Colin’s affection. </p><p>They did not know that night would be the first of many. That even after years of marriage they would spend the occasional evening just as they were now. After their children were asleep and the day at an end they would escape to a cocoon of their own making. Penelope lounging comfortably in her husband’s shirt. Colin sneaking something sweet or savoury for them to share over wine and conversation. That they would laugh or make love, sometimes both at the same time. They would fall asleep tangled together, waking up every morning with the same unshakable belief in their love and in each other.</p><p>Penelope forever steadfast in the knowledge that there was no better choice she could have made.</p><p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And that my friends is the end of this story. However, after requests and some ideas that popped in my head, I will be writing a companion fic to this. It will follow Colin’s perspective on some moments, and fleshing out of his own realizations as it were.</p><p>Until then I thank you for taking the time to read and letting me share this with you.</p><p>Be well and safe and happy!</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>And away we go. Hope this ride is enjoyable for us all!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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